When Wives Make Their Husbands Take Sides (Against His Parents)

This post was written by Valerie on March 8, 2012
Posted Under: Grandma Quotes
Cleanse Your Mind
I want to first start out by saying that I have two great daughter-in-laws and 1 great son-in-law. However I have been talking with lots of grandmothers and the number one complaint I am hearing about is how their sons have pushed them aside and backed their wives.
I was a daughter-in-law myself and I don’t ever remember this being an issue.  But I do sympathise with grandparents that are not liked by their daughter-in-laws. I am going to boil these down to those grandparents that don’t push advice on their kids or their wives and don’t just drop by without calling first or who take whatever time they can get to see their grandchildren without consulting their parents first.
So eliminating the above let’s move into the realm of the following top ten complaints from grandparents:
  1.  They treat us like we just aren’t good enough/rich enough/not enough education and worst of all we feel inferior.
  2. We don’t feel that we are welcome in their home.
  3. Our son suggested a small loan to help us get through this month and the wife said no.
  4. If we are needed to babysit then the kids do get to spend the night but we don’t feel like we can see the kids unless it is to babysit.
  5. We feel that our visiting son and his family prefer a hotel to staying with us.
  6. We have to watch what we talk about or our son’s wife gets mad and it makes it hard on our son later and told us so.
  7. They only listen to us when they get into trouble and need our support.
  8. They spend more time with her parents and they don’t include us in a full family gathering
  9. Her parents are nice to us but avoid any contact with us outside of Holidays even when they live close to us.
  10. Poor communication with our daughter-in-law and the feeling that no matter what we do or change it will never matter.

Ok so there is a common theme here. In cave man times all family members were important and needed each other to survive. The older family members spent the bulk of their time with the children keeping them safe while the parents went hunting and gathering food. But modern times families are very protective of their personal space and often times feel threatened by their spouse’s parents. Talking it out is just lost on both sides so here is my advice to deal with these issues. Please note that I do feel this is a serious issue and causes real pain in those grandparents that shared their stories with me. But here is my advice.

  1. Stop visiting. Pick the kids up from school have them spend the night and drop them off at school the next day.
  2. Write down the things you are feeling in a journal.
  3. Write a letter with everything that is bothering you and then get a picture of the offending in law and add the picture with the letter.
  4. Burn the letter with the picture….Let it go. Give it to the Universe.
  5. If that did not work divide a piece of paper in nine squares and put their full name and underneath their birthday in each square. Fold it into a small shape and wear it inside your shoe. Grinding your foot throughout the day to release your anger. I hope your are starting to laugh now but this does really help.
  6. Talk to your child and with “I” messages tell them how you are feeling. Understand nothing will change (it could) but like the priest told Sopranos wife you can’t say you weren’t told. (That her Soprano husband killed people.)
  7. Forgive. You can’t change them or your love for your own children so understand that this is no longer about you.
  8. Hold your head up high…did you not raise a great kid that your daughter-in-law fell in love with?? You did lots right and don’t you forget it.
  9. Laugh. Share your stories with friends or your spouse and start seeing the humor in their treatment of you.
  10. Now for the really good part—time really can heal all wounds. Your value will be duly noted especially as you see your Grandchildren as young adults that worship you no matter what.

Now when you light a candle look back on how far you have come in your life and embrace joy and know that you and your spouse have a little secret when the candle is lit in her presence.

Reader Comments

No wonder the DIL’s don’t want them around. Clingy much? Let your adult son be an ADULT!

#1 
Written By Sarah on March 10th, 2012 @ 11:56 pm

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